OMGDIS STORYW1LroturBRANE 1 1 1 one 1 1
by greenpiraterabbit
Summary: Can Ginny & Harry have eternal love? Doubtful, in a school full of sex addicts, stoners, violent ghosts, and reviewer cameos. WARNING ::: Your mom appears in this story.
1. Default Chapter

**-:-Will Ginny Weasley and Harry Potter ever find true love? -:-**

THIS STORY IS FOR THOSE WHO ARE CRAZY. Or for those who aren't "crazy" but are frequently accused of being crazy. coughs

This story will NOT make sense to you.

It will fill your ears with Kool-Aide powder and make you want to shoot yourself in a fit of laughter.

AHEM

I own _NOTHING_

**If you would like a short cameo, either review or send an e-mail off to luv4keywest1828(AT)yahoo(DOT)com but be warned that your little role will be short lived and you will probably die a terrible death. In the story.**

_Also note that I am incredibly mean to all of the characters in this story. Except Draco Malfoy because he is the S3X and I want him ohhhhhh_

* * *

**_Chapter One: You Suck and Your Mom Loves a Man_**

"Don't look now, but here comes Herpes."

Ron jabbed Harry in the ribs as they sat on the couch in the common room. Hermione was rushing over to them at about the same speed as a Dachsund chasing after a cheeto, dancing in the wind. Harry narrowed his eyes and looked away while Ron shook his head.

"Augh, Gods, why must she pick US to latch on to?"

"Harry, look at her face. She's covered in slutty-slut make-up!"

It was true; she was covered in purple glitter and sky blue eye shadow. Her hair had been straightened and she'd ditched her robes and now sported a tiny plaid mini-skirt (which her black glittery thong easily rose above) and a red bikini top. Earlier, she'd found a blue sharpie while cornering Filtch in the janitor's closet, and then proceded to write "SEX" all over her arms.

"Hey guys!" she said cheerily and slid into Ron's lap.

"HELL NO!" he screached as he shoved her onto the floor.

"OOOFMP!"

"Hermione, you look fat."

"OHMIGAWD NAH AH?"

"Yeah, maybe you should go throw up… again."

"Think so, Ron?"

"I know so."

With that, she shrieked in her slutty-slut voice and tore off to the nearest bathroom.

(Inside the bathroom: "Hey, you're a girl! You're not 'sposed to be in the boy's lavatory!" "I'm not supposed to be in your pants either!" "NOOO, PLEASE!" **TACKLEGLOMP**)

Harry pops something into his mouth.

"And wot was that, hm?"

"… 'Shroom."

"Bloody hell."

"I got more here, I guess I could let you have one or-."

"Do you smell that? What do you smell?"

"I smell sex."

"CHESUS CRUST IT'S DEADLY MUSTARD GAS!"

Everyone in the common room jumps out the window, the bones shattering in sickening crunches outside, the broken glass slicing through their inner organs and leaving a swimming pool size puddle of blood and poo on the ground.

****

-:-:-DIE BECAUSE MY MOM TOLD ME TO, SUCKAS! ...

"And does anyone know where you come from?"

Snape walks back and forth, giving each student in the front row a hard glare. No one dare raises their hand. One familiar voice rings out.

"AR-KAN-FUCKING-SAW!"

Harry crawls on top of his desk and curls into the fetal position, unable to control his laughter. His eyes are blood shot and his robes are messy and smell of weed.

"WRONG. Try your mother's penis and your father's vagina."

Herpes raises her hand.

"Actually, professor, the female has the vagina, and the ma-."

"ARE YOU A QUALIFIED SEX ED EDUCATOR, MISS GRANGER?"

"Well, yeah, I got bored last night and decided to take a class and, guess what, I passed!"

Silence. Silence. Silence. In the back of the class, a muffled voice screams, "PENIS!"

Class errupts in laughter.

Ron clears his throat, "You guys, be respectful. I'm trying to learn here."

Herpes jumps in his lap, "Don't worry, I'll give you private tutoring."

"BE GONE," he thunders as he throws her at Harry.

"Ewwww it touched me!" he squeals like a little girl and tosses her at Snape.

Snape smacks her like a volleyball, sending her out the window.

Silence.

"Now, where were we?"

The same muffled voice dances through the air.

"PENIS!"

**-:-:- DIE BECAUSE MY MOM TOLD ME TO, SUCKAS! ...**

ProfessorMcGonagall stared at the four students in her prescence. Harry, Hermione (otherwise known as Herpes), Ron, and sexy sexy SEXY ohmygawds so damn SEX-AY Draco Malfoy.

"What's this all about?" McGonagall squeaked, holding up a sandwich baggie of weed.

"… NOT … MINE … I swear on my LIFE," Potter sputtered, struggling to keep his eyes on the teacher.

"Pothead."

"WHAT WAS THAT, RODGER?"

"It's Ron."

"IT'S WEED! MINE! GIMME!"

Harry lept across the desk and latched onto the bag of weed, his teeth tightened on it like a Chihuahua on speed.

"Damn you Potter! You're off the quiditch team! AGAIN!"

"That's alright! I don't like your 'team sports' any-way-sa!"

"Oh?"

"That's right, McGona-slut!"

"OH!"

Herpes lifted an eyebrow, got out of her chair and straddled the Professor.

"I love you."

Malfoy got up, "Not this AGAIN," and left.

Ron and Harry silently sneaked out after.

McGonagall screamed in agony before tazoring Herpes to death.

**-:-:- DIE BECAUSE MY MOM TOLD ME TO, SUCKAS! ...**

FWI, there is a plot to this story. A stupid plot, but a plot none the less, and 'tis coming.


	2. Sing a song of cheeryness, from the top ...

Did you know that "racecar" is "racecar" spelt backwards?

Ginny is to Harry as Shannon is to Malfoy.

(YES, I _AAMM_ Shannon. And Malfoy is MINE.)

I own nothing. Not even a soul. sobs

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**_Chapter Two: Sing a song of cheeryness, from the top of the golden mountains of potato fries, to the depths of tomato soup hell, where we all rejoice in the sport of pumpernickle while sucking on salt licks and timothy hay. All power-ful being of grasshoppers make nests amongst your armpit shavings as God stares at you in utter discontent because you suck so much. AMEN._**

Peeves and Nearly Headless Nick sit outside the Great Hall, both with a look of peaceful simplicity on their opaque faces.

"I only do such terrible things because, well… my mother and father divorced when I was a young child. It was a stressful seperation. Mother never could devote enough time to me, and I never saw Daddy. So in the end, I guess all I wanted was attention."

A tear dripped down Nick's face as he listened to Peeve's heart felt confession.

"It's not your fault. Every child only wants to be loved."

"No. Every person wants to be loved."

Peeve's comment made Nick falter in his breath. He looked up at him with dead, lustful eyes, and Peeves moved closer. He grabbed Nick by the waist and their tongues met in a eternal battle to the death.

"I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, AHHHH!" screamed Nick, tears dripped from both cheeks.

Peeves ran his hand over Nick's butt and whispered in his ear, "Let's get the hell out of this prison and start a family, somewhere in the country side."

Nick wiped away the happy tears and began to speak, before his head rolled off and his see-through intestines splattered all over the walls.

Peeves prompty burst into pink and purple flames while singing "Creep" by TLC.

-:-:-** DIE BECAUSE MY MOM TOLD ME TO, SUCKAS! ...**

"… Its floating again, you guys!"

Harry glared at the muffin, complete with butter and jam, that sat on the plate in front of him. His eyes pratically buldged out of his head.

Ron shot him a less-than-sympathetic look, "Your muffin is not floating."

Suddenly, someone from behind grabbed Harry's shoulder. He looked behind him, to see ten or so cer-the-fied gangstuhs standing arms folded and sunglasses covering their eyes. A short red haired girl dressed in black cargos and a wife beater smiled at the pothead.

"Hey, homes."

"Oh, hey Ginny. You wanna buy some acid? I'd be willing to make you a special offer."

"Um, no, dawg, I'm straight. Akchully, I came to talks ta ya 'bout anuther sum'in sum'in."

"What's that?"

"Shorty, I really feels ya. Some days I wonder like… are you the Dre to my Eminem, the Alaina to my Haily?"

"… I WAS JUST THINKING THE SAME THING!"

Ginny's eyes moistened and she shook her head to drive it away.

"Harry… I.. I…"

Harry leaned back in his chair, so that three legs were off the ground.

"TAKE IT OFF, BITCH!"

He tugged at her shirt, and then fell backwards. He was dead before he his the ground, as Ginny had pumped so much lead in his brain that you would use his skull for a frying pan.

Ron's eyes moistened. And so did his pants.

-:-:-** DIE BECAUSE MY MOM TOLD ME TO, SUCKAS! ...**

" Damn, hoe, I don' know no mo'." 

Ginny and Hermione sat in the back of their class, ignoring the professor. Instead, they chose to talk of much more important subjects. Like parakeets. 

" Have you tried confessing your love to him while he's sober?" 

"… ?" 

"… What?" 

" Is he eva straight?" 

"…" 

"…" 

" I guess you could try slipping him some drugs, then taking advantage of his wonderfully sexy body while he's asleep." 

" Hmmm…" 

" Or put an electric collar around his neck and command him to have intercourse with you." 

" You's a professional, dawg!" 

" cough I know!" 

-:-:-** DIE BECAUSE MY MOM TOLD ME TO, SUCKAS! ...**

Shannon tightly grasps an electric collar while hiding under a couch cushin in the Slytherin common room. Malfoy enters, and sits on her cushin. 

" OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MY GOD!" 

Panting. 

" Well, hello there? Another mad fan girl come to get my autograph!" 

" Oh, much more than that!" 

" Oh!" 

Shannon slaps the collar around him and shocks him a few times before dragging him under the cushins around, following by various animal sounds.

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Comment or die. HA. How do you like THOSE apples? 


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